Akatsuki: Truly Evil
by Oturan Ikamuzu 1
Summary: The Akatsuki... the most evil organization known to man. Truly something to be feared, but with two new recruits, chaos ensues. "Why? Why did they have to join THIS evil organization?" Crack and two OC.
1. Criminals Are Fearless

Hello, my name is Deidara and right now I am cornered by death with blonde hair.

"Have mercy!" I begged. I had never felt so pathetic in my entire life. A man should not have to fear a woman like this! Why, why did she have to join the organization?! Does God just hate me or something? What have I done to deserve this? I mean besides blowing people up, killing the innocent, and abandoning my village, I'm a really good guy!

"Please, it was an accident, hmm!"

She set her cold glare on me, sharp icy blue eyes cutting into my soul, "Oh, I have no doubt in my mind that it was most defiantly an accident." The tone she held was light, but insanity lay just beneath it. Her left hand held tightly onto the small towel hugging her wet skin, while the other was occupied by the large crescent-moon scythe that threatened to slice through me like warm butter, "No… it's not you're fault _at all... _but I still need to beat the living shit out of you in order to knock out those pictures that _**surely are right now crossing your mind**_!" She swung faster than a civilian could blink, aiming for the Family Jewels. I only just barely managed to avoid castration via scythe.

Running down the labyrinth of tunnels, I turned without thinking; escape was the only thought that processed in my mind.

There's a reason why she was allowed into the Akatsuki, despite not having a ring. She, as well as her teammate, were strong, clever, and didn't hesitate to kill for sport. They were practically _made_ to be here.

_But still..._

I ducked and rolled out from under the five-foot blade that nearly had my head. I need to do something, and fast. I can't die yet, not like this.

"_Odette..."_ came a sickeningly sweet voice. Said girl stopped mid-swing, centimeters from my... my—well, you know...

"What do you want Odile?" she said, eyes still glued to me, pinning me in place, "If you haven't noticed?—I'm little busy."

"_No, I can see that, but if you follow through with it, Leader will be angry."_ Odile was right and Odette knew it. Does this mean my life has been spared? Or more importantly: my Man-hood?

"That matters because...?" She retorted with a hint of sarcasm.

Oh dear lord, have mercy...

"_Ignore him, he isn't worth the trouble. Come, we have a mission."_ I heard footsteps walking farther down the hall. No one had ever seen Odile; she kept to herself and stayed in the shadows.

"_AHG_!" she yelled in frustration. Spinning her scythe around, she hit me with the end of the staff.

I hurt.

I hurt _everywhere_. When a guy gets hit there the pain doesn't just stay in one place. It slowly spreads up, and settles there, refusing to leave.

Why? Why did she have to join _**this**_ evil organization?


	2. A Very Serious Game of Poker

"Read `em and weep boys," Kakuzu said with a sly tone, setting five cards onto the poker table: Aces—four of a kind.

"That's it! I quit!" Hidan yelled. This was the third time he would lose all of his money tonight, and he refused to take another lone from his nearly-immortal teammate.

"This is why I don't like playing poker with you." Itachi said, throwing his cards to the middle of the table and leaning back into his chair. His demeanor was calm and cool, but on the inside he was raging: Now he didn't have enough money to buy the newest issue of Make-Out Tactics!

"This sucks, hmm." Deidara still had plenty of money because he didn't spend it on everything that was sharp and shiny like Hidan, but it would have been nice if he could have won at least _once_.

"Tobi will win next time!" said a man in an orange mask, though he was really plotting different ways to kill the stitched up mummy—painfully.

"I still have some money left; I think I can go for another round." Kisame said, as he began shuffling the worn out playing cards.

"**You're a sucker for punishment, Kisame.** _This time, I get to deal the cards._**" **Zetsu snapped, already anteing in and snatching the cards away from the tall blue man.

"What are you guys hollering about in here?" Odette seethed, walking into the room, "I'm trying to get some sleep."

Deidara winced, unconsciously closing his legs at the memory of last week's encounter with the blonde haired woman.

"Already back from your mission?" Itachi asked smoothly, not bothering to look at her.

"Yeah," she nodded, "Nothin' special. But Odile and I are trying to get some sleep in the next room, so if you don't mind—" suddenly a loud blood curdling scream of a young man begging for mercy could be heard from the other side of the wall that Odette had gestured to. The Akatsuki stared at said wall in silent shock; Zetsu looked like he was drooling.

Then slowly, they all turned their heads to look back at Odette.

Coughing, she said, "Um, so what are you guys playing? Mind if I join?"

"Of course you can! We're just starting a new game of poker!" the stitched-up money-miser cheered.

She shook her head, "Yeah... I'm broke."

Kakuzu's eyes gleamed, "That's alright you can still play—but we would have to change the game a little."

"What do you mean?" Kisame asked, leaning back in his chair.

"Instead of betting with money..." Itachi began. He could predict people all too well. Especially when he knew that they had done it before, "We will be using our clothes."

"Strip-poker?" she hissed. "No way!"

"What? Are you no good at a simple game of cards?" Hidan taunted.

"No, I'm good at cards!" She snapped.

"Then play with us, hmm." Deidara jumped in. This way he could get his revenge...

She thought for a moment. "Fine," she conceited.

"Wonderful! What would you like to play?" Kakuzu asked.

"How about," she began, sliding a chair up to the table, "Five cards, double draw?"

* * *

"I win again," Odette said, throwing her cards onto the table: A Royal Flush.

"Impossible!" Kakuzu stood up too quickly, almost losing the towel that fit snugly around his waist, and barely reached half-way down his thighs.

All of the men at the table were in similar attire. Zetsu and Tobi had quit while they were ahead and left the room early on, but the others had gotten a little too desperate to see Odette in less than her usual dress and didn't know when to stop. The only thing she had taken off in the three hours she had been playing was her cloak, leaving much to the imagination since her clothes covered most of her skin, and were just tight enough to catch the bare hints of her well-shaped figure.

With a yawn, the blonde woman got up, "Well, I think I'll stop for now. If you want to buy back your clothes you better say so now 'cause they won't be here in the morning."

Itachi looked at her with a sharp glare, "You wouldn't dare."

"Like I said, I'm broke. I need the money" She smirked.

"What?! What is she going to do, hmm?" Deidara shivered.

"She's going to sell our clothes to the fan-girls on e-bay!" Kisame said, standing up and pointing an accusing finger at her. They gasped, not wanting to believe that she would do something so evil.

A bright light flashed from the open door. They blinked to clear their eyes and looked to the dark hallway in confusion.

"Thank you Odile." Odette said, walking away from the table. "Those pictures will definitely sell." She stooped down and picked up the large bag full of their clothes, "And so will these!"

Faster than a civilian could blink, the Akatsuki were running down the hall, chasing after Odile and Odette while said women ran away, taking pictures when they got the chance.

Looking at those photos later, they realized that the only reason that they had gotten away was because eventually, one by one, each man had to stop and go back for their towel whenever it fell off, slowing them down considerably.

"_I think the fan-girls will like these pictures the most..._" Odile hummed, making several copies from the negatives.


	3. The Bingo Book

"Hey! The newest issue of the Bingo Book is finally here!" Kisame called, jogging into the kitchen and holding up a giant black book.

Everyone was gathered around the table eating Lunch, however, the subject of food was quickly forgotten and all hands were grabbing for the cover.

Kisame, easily being the tallest, kept it out of reach with little effort, smirking as he watched the others jump like small fish to bait.

"Kisame, you selfish moron! Give it here!" Odette said, punching him in the gut.

The blue man bent over awkwardly, the pain being just enough to force his body to reboot, but Odette was holding her hand at the wrist, jumping and howling in pain at her three broken fingers.

"What do you have under your shirt? An iron shield?!" she yowled.

"A six pack," he wheezed in triumph. Itachi snatched the book out of his hands and immediately found the page with his picture and information.

"Nine point seven million Ryo," He smirked, tossing the book back to his partner, "Just try and beat that."

"Damn it, hmm," Deidara grumped, "They keep raising your bounty..."

Recovered, Kisame found his name, "Eight point eight million!" he passed it to Tobi, who passed it to Deidara, "I knew killing the Daimyo's son would give me a jump!"

"Eight point six," Deidara sighed, "Same as last year..." he handed it to Kakuzu.

"They're starting to believe the rumours." He hummed thoughtfully while looking at his page.

"What rumours?" Odette asked.

"That I'm dead," He turned the book for everyone to see, "Six million—it's lower than last year."

Itachi rolled his eyes, "That's because you keep turning yourself in to the Bounty Mortuaries. They're tired of giving away money only for you're body to suddenly disappear and have it brought in again a month later; it has nothing to do with the rumours."

"Fuck up about Stitches, and gimmie the damn book!" Hidan cursed, ripping the black book out of his partner's hands and turning to his page. "Oh yeah, nine point three million!" he carelessly tossed it over his shoulder and gloated.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, "Well that's what happens when you sleep with a Daimyo's daughter."

"You're such a slut Hidan," Odette commented, slowly turning the pages to find her name, "Didn't you sleep with his wife too?"

"You're just jealous 'cause you can't get laid." Hidan preened.

She had already stopped paying attention to him, however, having found her page.

"What did you get?" Deidara asked, looking over her shoulder. His jaw dropped, his mouth went dry; he looked like a fish gasping for water.

"What? What'd the bitch get?" Hidan looked as well, and his face immediately tuned red with anger. "How the fuck could you get fifteen point nine million Ryo?!"

"She what?" The other Akatsuki men exclaimed, taking the book to see for themselves.

_Say it isn't so!_ Itachi cried inside, though he kept a blank expression. His record of being the most wanted was broken! How was that fair?!

Odette smirked, "Well, what can I say? I'm just that good..." she swaggered off, leaving several dumbfounded men to contemplate how this was possible.

A few minutes later, Odette was in her room, relaxing on her bed.

"_You know, Odette,_ " Odile began, "_That bounty is the both of us combined since so few people know that I exist._"

"Yeah, I know don't worry," she turned onto her side to face Odile and smirked, "But they don't need to know that."


	4. Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

Odette was not having a good day, and when Odette was not having a good day, everybody else better be having a shitty day too or she'd make it the last day they ever saw.

* * *

Itachi sat in his favorite red arm chair, wearing a small pair of reading glasses with his favorite volume of IchaIcha in hand disguised as the complicated, Specialist's Genjutsu Technique Guide. He sighed, content, and relaxed. Today had been perfect: He got lots of sleep, had a _delicious_ and satisfying breakfast, spared with Kisame (and totally kicked ass), and now he was taking it easy for the rest of the day.

_**BANG! BANG! BANG!**_

He jumped, startled by the sound of angry footsteps coming his way.

The door to the living room swung open with a _WHABAM,_ and in stormed Odette, her face contorted with rage.

The Uchiha looked down at his book, and then back at her Hurry-Up-and-Ask face.

If he asked her about her mission, his day would be ruined—just ruined. However, if he didn't ask, she would still tell him and that would make his day even worse. Don't ask why. That's just the way it works.

With another longing stare at his most prized reading material, he gave her a quizzical gaze and asked, "So how was your mission?"

Her blood-shot eyes rolled over to him, burning through his soul. Oh, if looks could kill...

"_I hate dogs_." She seethed, her voice drenched in malice. She whipped off her cloak, revealing her shredded clothing and several bloodied bite marks. "Did you know that the Copy Ninja could summon a pack of _dogs_?"

If Itachi hadn't been trained to keep a straight face in the most hostile of situations then he might have burst out laughing. Lucky for him, he had been.

Odette let out one last snarl before exiting the room on the opposite side that she had entered.

_Sigh, and I had been having such a good day..._

He had begun to take off his reading glasses in defeat, when suddenly he heard laughter in the hall that the angry blonde had just gone into. It was quickly silenced after a loud _**CRACK! CRASH! **_And a strangled moan of pain.

With a smirk, he put the glasses back on and continued to read.

_Nope, still a good day._

Poor Deidara...


	5. Merry Christmas Kakuzu

T'was the night before Christmas,

And all through the base

Kakuzu was getting on everyone's case.

"NO! You can't order that! Look at the price tag on that thing!" Kakuzu yelled.

"It's 1200 Ryo, you stingy mass of stitched up flesh!"

Kisame was sick of him.

"What do you mean, 'What do you mean'?! I keep track of how much money is in my safe! Everyone else was out on mission except for us! You're the only person who could have stolen any money you moron!"

"Don't you fucking call me a moron, you fucking moron! If you weren't so damn sticky about your fucking money than maybe I would have been willing to ask for it instead! Ass-Hole!"

Hidan was sick of him.

"Stop wasting the organization's money on clay!"

"But that's what I'm supposed to use it for, hmm!"

Deidara was sick of him.

"You bought _another_ book?!"

"Yes, what's the problem? It's _my_ money."

"It's annoying that you spend it so freely!

Itachi was sick of him.

"Tobi, you suck!"

Tobi was sick of him.

The nearly-immortal Akatsuki member stomped around the labyrinth of hall ways. He had never liked the holidays—everyone was too happy about spending money. They were practically burning it for all the good it would do them in the end!

At this time of year he always enjoyed pissing everyone off, making them think twice about what they wanted to buy.

Misery loved company...

But it was about to get bitch-slapped by Karma.

He had a bone to pick with the newest Akatsuki members. Since their arrival, the water bill had nearly tripled—water wasn't cheap and he refused to let them waste it.

Ramming on the door, Kakuzu yelled, "Open up!" and waited, but he was met with no response. He repeated his pointless actions again. Still nothing.

_They must be somewhere in the base,_ he knew that they had gotten back from a mission only a few hours ago so they wouldn't be far from their room.

Just as he was about to walk away, the the door to their room eerily creaked open.

A strange empty sound resonated out of the endless darkness from with in, but Kakuzu paid it no mind; he had been in creepier places—like Hidan's closet.

He searched for a light switch, and when he couldn't find one, he went so far as to strike a match, but of all the things he'd thought he would see, he didn't expect what he saw.

It was a Torture and Interrogation room. This one, however, looked like it was specifically designed to be used against men.

He winced and unconsciously closed his knees.

For the first time in years, he truly pitied someone: the men who he knew had been brought into this room

Someone's hand dropped onto his shoulder (to this day he will not admit that he had screamed). Kakuzu turned around and came face to face with Odette.

"What are you doing in our room?" She asked a little too innocently. Something behind him moved, clinking into place.

He swallowed, suddenly not so sure about telling them off for the water bill.

Odette looked over his shoulder, "Is that ready yet Odile?"

"_Almost,_" there was more movement behind him, but he didn't dare turn around.

"I came to talk to you about the water bill." He said quickly. Silently, he prayed that they wouldn't do anything to his little Kakuzu.

"Oh, that. Yeah, sorry, it takes a while to get the blood off." She smiled and moved past him, dragging a long dark bag behind her that he hadn't noticed; it moaned. "Listen," Kakuzu didn't turn around to look at her, "We're kinda busy, so can we negotiate that later?"

"Fine," he squeaked (though he would deny it if you asked him), and ran straight for the door, slamming the horrour behind him and running to his room where he spent Christmas being thankful that they were on the same side as he was.


	6. Criminals Like To Be Clean

None of the men in the Akatsuki wore their shirts in the morning. Tobi was never actually seen in the morning, so he wasn't included, and everyone had come to a mutual agreement that Zetsu couldn't actually _be_ human, and thus _he_ didn't count either.

But other than that, they were shirtless. Now fan-girls, please, stop drooling long enough to hear the rest of this chapter, and please don't hump your computers—it's not sanitary:

"Oi fuckers, Where's the soap?"

No one paid the Jashinist any mind and went about their morning as per usual. Kakuzu was reading the newspaper, Deidara was playing his newest hand-held video game, and Kisame just leaned back in his chair, taking the day off to a slow start while he downed his thirteenth cup of coffee. Itachi had yet to be seen.

All of them had the typical early morning bed-head, but, being who they were, they made it look like the sexiest thing in a three-thousand kilometer radius.

"When is he going to get out of the shower, hmm?" Deidara asked nonchalantly, not looking up from his game.

"Probably when he realizes who took the soap." Kisame answered, getting up to fetch more coffee.

"He better not or he'll be in there for the rest of the day—he isn't smart, and water doesn't come for free. I'll drag him out myself if I have to."

"Hmm—Wait, who took the soap?"

"Odette," Kisame and Kakuzu chorused.

As he came to sit back down, the shark continued with a smirk, "She and Odile ran out just yesterday. I told her that they could use the one in our bathroom if they were desperate."

The blonde narrowed his eyes at the game screen, "Why do they get to have the bathroom in that hall to themselves, while we have to share the little one on the other side of the base?" he grumbled.

"Because I was not willing to pay for the hot water that they used every day. We struck a deal: they pay for their own water, they get the big bathroom—And they gave me back the clothes I had lost in the poker game." Kakuzu grunted, turning the page.

"Seriously guys," Hidan's voice grew closer, until he appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, "Where's the soap?!"

"Odette," the three said in unison not looking up from what they were doing.

"That bitch!" he yelled, storming across the tile floor to the other hall.

Now, if they had bothered to look up from what they were preoccupied with, they may have noticed that not only was Hidan not wearing any clothes, but he wasn't wearing a _towel_ either.

**WHAM!** A door was slammed open.

"Hey, give me back the soap, whore!"

**CLINKCLINKSHINK!**

"What do you think you're doing in here you dip-shit? Why aren't you wearing anything!?"

**CRASH!**

"Just give it here!"

**BANG!**

"I'm not done with it!"

**CRACK!**

"You think I care?!"

**BAM!**

It was then that they realized with a sinking feeling that they had let him walk to his death.

"HA! Got it! Wait—what're you doing with that?!"

**WACK! **_**TWONG!**_** SMACK!**

"You stupid bitch!" Hidan ran out of the dark hall and past the kitchen table into the hall adjacent.

They stared after him for a moment. Then, with a roar of pure outrage which slowly grew louder the closer she came, the newest female Akatsuki member came racing in after him, a small white towel rapped tightly around her shapely body and her scythe gripped tightly in her hands as it carved a path against the tile floor.

It all seemed to go in slow motion—they were captivated by the taut thrust of her ample chest against the small, fluffy, fabric, the swing of her hips, her long smooth legs, and the small droplets of water that tailed down her hot body like sweat after a round of rough, animal-crazy—

She was out of the room all too quickly.

Not a second later, a shirtless Itachi walked in, Sharingan activated—having forever captured that image—and a small smirk on his face, "Too bad isn't it?"

They nodded in agreement.

Yes, it was too bad. Too bad that they had an absolutely gorgeous woman sleeping under the same roof—that they couldn't touch for fear of becoming a eunuch.


	7. Tension

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping—it was a beautiful day.

"**BITCH!"  
**

"**SLUT!"  
**

"**WHORE!"  
**

"**FUCKER!"**

Yep—a beautiful day.

Itachi walked past Hidan and Odette—plugs tightly shoved into his ear canals to block out the cacophonous fighting

"**WHY DON'T YOU JUST CRAWL BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND GO ****FUCK ****YOUR GOD!?"**

"**YOU ARE NOT TO SPEAK OF JASHIN IN THAT MANNER YOU UNGRATEFUL HEITHENED **_**BITCH**_**!"**

"**WELL DAMN! THAT'S THE TENTH COMMANDMENT I'VE BROKEN TODAY, ISN'T IT, YOU STUPID FUCK-FACE!?"**

Deidara walked through the room, going over some papers with Tobi, both with a pair of plugs in their ears, identical to the ones that Itachi was wearing. They didn't speak so much as they pointed and gestured—by now used to having to do this at least twice a week. If they were lucky it would be on the same day.

Kisame walked by the door, but took a step back to look in on the two.

"_It's ridiculous—the way they go at each other_. _They should just get over it already._" He didn't bother to look into the hall, knowing both who it was and that he wouldn't be able to see her anyway.

"I am very close to ignoring how expensive it would be to acquire sound-proof walls." Kakuzu joined in, but after a quick glance at the two scream machines, he continued on his way.

"I was already surprised when you bought everyone a pair of ear plugs." Kisame smirked, following after him.

A pair of light foot steps could be heard going the opposite way.

Suddenly a loud _**CRASH**_ and the shattering of wood and glass brought everyone who could hear back to the living room.

Kakuzu was _furious_! He didn't mind too much if they were yelling—but _**BREAKING**_ things?! OH, HELL NO! They would _not_ get away with that!

He rushed back into the room, "You're going to replace—!" his jaw dropped, his eyes widened, his mouth went dry.

Kisame came up behind him, "What happened—!" his reactions mirrored that of Kakuzu.

On the other side of the room, in the doorway that led to the second hall, Itachi, Deidara, and Tobi stood gaping at the scene before them. Poor Itachi had come in with his Sharingan activated and the image was forever burned into his mind...

Odette and Hidan lay in a very _intimate_ position on top of a shattered coffee table—a tangle of limbs, shredded clothes, splinters of wood, and broken glass.

"_Finally,"_ Odile's voice echoed though the halls, _"Now there can be some peace for a while..."_

The remaining Akatsuki members were scared for life.


	8. Women

When Odette and Odile first arrived, Leader had called a meeting and "introduced" them. Really it was just to make sure that no one killed each other thinking that they were attacking the enemy, so while names were given, no other words were exchanged

Konan, unlike the rest of the Akatsuki men, had gone out of her way to avoid the two for several months after Leader's meeting; Odile and odette had done the same for her.

Itachi had been the first to notice, but when he asked the purple haired origami artist (feeling that it was safer than asking Odette), she said only that women instinctively knew to avoid certain people, less catastrophe engulf the world.

Thinking that she was just being melodramatic (and probably on her period), he hadn't taken her seriously.

Now he knew that he was mistaken.

The Uchiha had walked into the kitchen thinking that someone would have gotten hungry enough to make lunch by then, and had found Odette and Konan staring at each other, eyes narrowed and faces blank.

He froze.

Deidara walked up behind him, and even he could feel the immense tension; immediately cautious.

They both slowly began to move away, careful to not make any sudden movements, though the women didn't seem to notice them, and left the small kitchen, thankful to be alive.

"W-what's wrong with them, hmm?" Deidara whispered.

Itachi swallowed hard, "I don't know, they looked like they wanted something."

It's said that if you knew what a woman wanted, you knew everything—but not even God knew that.

"Did you see anything in there that they could be angry about?"

"No," He thought for a moment, "I think we should warn the others."

Many of the Akatsuki men valued their lives—as surprising as that may sound—so for nearly six hours, they had all avoided the kitchen.

Save one...

"Bull-shit, I'm hungry!" Hidan was not known for his patience, and so, he suffered for it.

He stomped into the kitchen, "Out of the way whores!"

Both girls snapped around to glare at Hidan, "You know what?" Odette started, "I'm tired of you calling me a whore all the time!"

"Agreed," Konan said quietly, "Get out,"

"No!"

"Last chance." Odette warned

"I'm not scared of you!"

"Very well,"

* * *

To this day, no one knows what those two women had been fighting about. They did know, however, that after they came out of the kitchen, their spirits and opinions of each other were much higher.

"I love what you did in there," Konan complemented, "You'll have to show me how to do that sometime."

"It would be my pleasure; would you like to come and properly meet Odile?"

"Thank you, I would," and they walked off together, baffling the rest of the Akatsuki.

"They were at each others throats just a minute ago!" Deidara gaped.

"The labyrinth that is the female mind will never be interpreted properly by that of men," Itachi sighed, defeated.

"Women," Kakuzu humphed, walking into the kitchen.

There, he found the Jashinist lying in several pieces on the floor, a few of his bones having been pulled away from the flesh and shattered, and a spatula sticking out of his forehead. "I'm dying," Hidan whispered, completely in shock. "I can see heaven…"

"That's the light bulb you're looking at, jackass," Kakuzu retorted, walking over to the fridge and pulling out some milk, which he drank straight from the carton, despite the gore and bile that surrounded him.


End file.
